Keystone Roundtable | How Can we Help Teenagers Develop Their Emotional Cognition?
If you are the parent of an adolescent, have you ever experienced your child not wanting to talk after coming home from school? Has your child become frustrated over a trivial matter, or overanalyzed certain events? Has your child felt frustrated about their ability to manage relationships or resolved conflicts? Although some people may think that these are unavoidable characteristics of adolescence, there are still ways we as parents and educators can support adolescents to get through these problems. Although it is normal for every child to experience a range of emotions, what matters is how they can understand and handle such emotions.
Emotional cognitive abilities are critical skills for all of us, which can be developed and learned through education. When children experience negative emotions such as anxiety, irritability, loss, and depression, we can turn these emotions into positive energy that helps them overcome difficulties and setbacks through active intervention. Without active intervention, these negative emotions might cause more issues in the future. Helping teenagers develop emotional cognitive abilities can help them better understand and express themselves, better understand the emotions of others, deal with their relationships with peers and parents, and promote their general growth and development.
In this issue of Keystone Roundtable, we invited Dr. Rae Yang, Deputy Director at RDFZ ICC, member at the Behavioral Genetics Committee at the Genetics Society of China and certified mental health counsellor by the British Psychological Society, Dr. Sandra Thompson, counselling/research (clinical) psychologist and Social Emotional Counselor at Keystone, Ms. Kalian Wang, Dean of Student Life and Chinese Language Teacher at Keystone, Ms. Xiaohui Zhu, Keystone Grade 9 parent, and Ms. Ni Zhou, Keystone Grade 12 parent, to discuss how to help teenagers develop their emotional cognitive abilities and the importance of building an environment where adolescents feel safe growing up.
We hope that this discussion will inspire and help more parents and teenagers in this regard.
Guests
Rae Yang, member at the Behavioral Genetics Committee at the Genetics Society of China, certified mental health counsellor by the British Psychological Society, certified hypnotherapist, and lifetime member of the U.S. National Psychology Honor Society
Sandra Thompson, counselling/research (clinical) psychologist and Social Emotional Counselor at Keystone
Kalian Wang, Dean of Student Life and Chinese Language Teacher at Keystone
Xiaohui Zhu, Keystone Grade 9 parent
Ni Zhou, Keystone Grade 12 parent
What is Emotional Cognition?
1. What is the cognitive theory of emotion?
Sandra Thompson: The cognitive theory of emotion is a psychological perspective that emphasizes the role of cognitive processes in the experience and expression of emotions. The theory suggests that it is the individual's thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and appraisals of a situation that determine their emotional response. Key components of the cognitive theory of emotion include:
Appraisal: This theory emphasize that emotions are triggered by the way individuals appraise or evaluate a situation. These appraisals involve assessing the personal significance, relevance, and implications of an event or situation. Different people may have different emotional responses to the same situation based on their unique cognitive appraisals.
Cognitive Appraisal Models: Researchers have proposed various models of cognitive appraisal to explain how thoughts influence emotions and behavior. For example, Ehlers & Clark’s (2000) cognitive model suggests that the meaning we assign to situations and associated feelings significantly impact our behavior. The authors further explained that if we interpret occurrences positively, we turn to normalize our emotions and overcome them within the shortest time. However, the negative understanding we have about situations and the ensuing emotions leads to a sense of current threat and if there is no immediate intervention, a person’s wellbeing can be derailed.
Attribution Theory: Attribution theory is closely related to the cognitive theory of emotion. It focuses on how individuals attribute causes to events and how these attributions influence their emotional reactions. For example, if a person attributes a positive event to their own efforts, they may experience pride, while attributing a negative event to external factors may result in anger or frustration.
Subjective Experience: The cognitive theory acknowledges the subjective nature of emotional experience. It highlights that two individuals may have different emotional responses to the same event based on their cognitive appraisals and interpretations.
The cognitive theory of emotion has been influential in the field of psychology and has contributed to our understanding of how thoughts and perceptions shape emotional experiences. It has practical applications in areas such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), where individuals are taught to identify and challenge maladaptive thought patterns to manage and change their emotional responses.
2. Why is it important to help adolescents develop their emotional cognitive abilities? How does a closely interconnected boarding community like Keystone help students develop this ability?
Sandra Thompson: Developing cognitive abilities in adolescents is crucial for several reasons, as it contributes to their overall well-being, academic success, and future life skills. Cognitive abilities encompass a range of mental processes, including memory, problem-solving, critical thinking, decision-making, and abstract reasoning. It is important to help adolescents develop their cognitive abilities because it is essential for their academic success, life skills, adaptability career readiness and so on.
Among others, a closely interconnected boarding community like Keystone can contribute to the development of adolescents' cognitive abilities in several ways:
Social Interaction: Interacting with peers and adults in a close-knit community provides ample opportunities for adolescents to engage in conversations, share ideas, and collaborate on various activities. These social interactions stimulate cognitive development.
Diverse Perspectives: Living in a boarding community exposes adolescents to individuals from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and experiences. This diversity encourages the development of cognitive flexibility, as adolescents learn to consider and understand different perspectives.
Collaborative Learning: Boarding environments often emphasize collaborative learning, where students work together on projects and activities. This collaborative approach fosters critical thinking, problem-solving, and communication skills.
Structured Environment: Boarding schools often provide a structured and supportive environment that fosters academic engagement. Regular routines, study sessions, and extracurricular activities contribute to the development of effective cognitive strategies and time management skills.
Mentorship Opportunities: Closely connected boarding communities may offer mentorship programs, where older students or faculty members guide younger ones. Mentorship relationships can provide valuable cognitive stimulation, guidance, and support.
In summary, helping adolescents develop their cognitive abilities is essential for their overall growth and success. A closely interconnected boarding community like Keystone offers a conducive environment for cognitive development through social interactions, diverse perspectives, collaborative learning, a structured environment, and mentorship opportunities.
Kalian Wang: Emotional cognitive abilities fall into a very important emotional domain of children’s growth, focusing on interpersonal thinking and reasoning skills related to feelings or emotions. Developing emotional cognitive abilities is essential for students’ school life and their social life in the future.
The development of emotional skills has always been important to Keystone students, not only in the learning skills required in our programs, but also as an important part of the holistic education offered at Keystone. It is covered in our advisory program, life skills and wellbeing courses, and residential program. Students also summarize and report on what their learning and growth in the Character and Community exhibition at the end of Grade 12.
In addition, the rich campus activities at Keystone provide students with numerous opportunities to develop their emotional cognitive abilities as they engage in activities and programs that involve coping with stress, overcoming challenges, communicating, and finding solutions to problems.
Adolescent Self-Cognition
3. Adolescents are at a critical stage of self-exploration. They crave autonomy, need to prove themselves, and need to express their emotions. What aspects of their own emotions should they focus on? How should they actively develop their self-awareness?
Sandra Thompson: Adolescence is indeed a critical stage of self-exploration, marked by a desire for autonomy, the need to establish a sense of identity, and the exploration of emotions and relationships. Developing self-awareness is a key component of navigating this period successfully. Here are some aspects of emotions that adolescents can focus on and strategies to actively develop self-awareness:
Identifying Emotions
Name and Label Emotions: Significant others need to encourage adolescents to identify and label their emotions accurately. This can help them become more aware of what they are feeling in different situations.
Journaling: Keeping a journal can be a helpful tool for adolescents to express and reflect on their emotions. Writing down their thoughts and feelings can provide insights into patterns and triggers.
Understanding Triggers
Reflect on Situations: Significant others should encourage adolescents to reflect on situations that trigger strong emotional responses. Understanding the specific circumstances that lead to certain emotions can help them anticipate and manage their reactions in the future.
Managing Stress and Coping Mechanisms
Explore Healthy Coping Strategies: Help adolescents explore and adopt healthy coping mechanisms for managing stress and negative emotions. This could include activities such as exercise, mindfulness, deep breathing, or engaging in hobbies.
Building Emotional Resilience
Learn from Challenges: Significant others should emphasize that facing challenges and setbacks is a natural part of life. Help them view difficulties as opportunities for growth and learning, building emotional resilience in the process.
Seeking Feedback
Open Communication: Parents should encourage open communication about emotions within the family or with trusted friends. Adolescents can benefit from seeking feedback and insights from others, gaining different perspectives on their emotional experiences.
Setting Boundaries
Identify Personal Limits: Help adolescents recognize their emotional boundaries and understand when they need to assert themselves or set limits in relationships. This is crucial for maintaining healthy connections with others.
Goal Setting and Values
Clarify Personal Values: Guide adolescents in identifying their core values and beliefs. Understanding personal values can provide a framework for decision-making and contribute to a sense of purpose and direction.
Mindfulness Practices
Mindful Awareness: Introduce mindfulness practices, such as meditation or mindful breathing, to help adolescents stay present in the moment. Mindfulness can enhance self-awareness by focusing attention on thoughts and emotions without judgment.
Seeking Support
Reach Out for Guidance: Let adolescents know that it's okay to seek support from trusted adults, mentors, or mental health professionals when needed. Talking about emotions with others can provide valuable insights, equip you with essential coping skills and aid in making informed decisions in future.
Reflecting on Personal Growth
Regular Self-Reflection: Encourage regular self-reflection on personal growth and changes. Adolescents can consider how their values, goals, and emotions evolve over time, contributing to a deeper understanding of themselves.
Developing self-awareness is an ongoing process, and adolescents can benefit from actively engaging in these practices to better understand and navigate their emotions during this crucial stage of self-exploration.
4. Teenage rebellion can be a normal part of growth. Children at this age are vulnerable and sensitive, often experiencing over-interpretation, emotional misjudgment, and other psychological problems. As teachers and parents, what methods and skills should we use to communicate with adolescent children? How can we provide them with a secure environment to grow up in?
Kalian Wang: The top priority should be creating and maintaining safe and trusting parent-child, teacher-student relationships. A lack of effective communication is the main reason for rebellion in children and adolescents. Children can only engage in meaningful communication with their parents and teachers if they can let go of their pressure and concerns. A challenge in communication is that children feel that adults don’t understand them, while adults feel that children are too naive. At this point, we should think about what is the most important factor in communication.
Parents and teachers need to be mentally prepared that: the environment children are growing up in now is different from the one we grew up in, so we should remain open-minded; children have positive values and are eager to learn and do the right thing, so we should be more relaxed when communicating with them; academic performance is important, but it is not the only criterion for evaluation; and that our experiences are worth sharing, so we should be more confident to share them with our children. In addition, maintaining a casual and humorous tone adds color to parent-child and teacher-student relationships.
I also have a few suggestions for adolescents. Adolescence is just a stage in our lives, and just as babies get a little uncomfortable when they are teething, adolescents also encounter some difficulties. But understanding this discomfort and being mentally prepared for the challenges that come with it can make it easier to deal with. You may experience emotional ups and downs - This is ok. You will be fine afterwards, so don’t stress too much about it. This is a great opportunity for you to develop some skills – when you master them, you grow. So, be confident and expect things to get better. Reframe your growing pains as difficult math problems - enjoy the process of solving them.
Rae Yang: The process of communication involves three parts, namely, the communicator, the other party, and the situation. The absence of any part may reduce the efficiency of communication, or even lead to negative results. For example, if parents overemphasize themselves and ignore children’s perspectives and needs, it may lead to forceful and overly accusatory communication. Conversely, if parents put themselves too low and overemphasize children, it may result in people-pleasing communication, which in the long run may make children selfish and self-centered.
If both the communicator and the other party are absent and there is too much emphasis on the matter itself, it may lead to overly rational communication. Parents may present many seemingly logical reasons, but overlook the human emotional aspect. In this case, children may find it difficult to argue logically, but emotionally they may gradually distance themselves from parents and even become rebellious.
In fact, communication is not complicated and does not require sophisticated skills. Treat each other as equals. Put each other on an equal footing. Express your ideas, opinions and needs clearly. That will be enough. Some parents may find it harder to communicate with children when they get older. A considerable proportion of these cases happen because parents do not adjust their relationship with children as they grow up. When children are young, they are not yet independent. They need to listen to parents in many things and are reliant on their parents’ guidance and advice. However, as children grow older, they gradually form independent personalities, have their own ideas, viewpoints, likes, and dislikes, so they gradually feel the need to communicate with parents on an equal basis. Therefore, parents need to adjust their relationship with their children as time goes by.
Turn Conflicts into Opportunities for Mutual Growth
5. Classmates and friends hold significant positions in adolescents’ lives. Learning to correctly handle relationships with peers is an essential aspect of developing emotional cognition and is an important issue they must face. How should teachers and parents guide adolescents to correctly view and handle relationships with peers?
Sandra Thompson: Guiding adolescents in developing healthy and positive relationships with peers is a crucial aspect of their emotional and social development. Both teachers and parents play vital roles in providing guidance and support during this stage. Here are some strategies for teachers and parents to help adolescents correctly view and handle relationships with peers:
Role of Teachers
Promote a Positive Classroom Environment: Foster a classroom culture that values kindness, inclusivity, and mutual respect. Create an environment where students feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgment.
Teach Social and Emotional Skills: Integrate social and emotional learning (SEL) into the curriculum. Offer lessons or activities that focus on empathy, communication, conflict resolution, and other essential social skills.
Facilitate Group Activities: Plan group activities that encourage collaboration and teamwork. Working together on projects or participating in group discussions can help students develop effective communication and interpersonal skills.
Encourage Open Communication: Establish open lines of communication in the classroom. Encourage students to share their thoughts and feelings with each other and with you. Model active listening and empathy.
Address Bullying and Conflict: Take a proactive approach to address bullying and conflicts. Teach conflict resolution skills and provide a safe space for students to report issues and seek help.
Celebrate Diversity: Emphasize the importance of diversity and inclusivity. Teach students to appreciate and respect differences among their peers. Periodically permit students to take turns in sharing deep and surface cultural practices.
Role of Parents
Encourage Open Communication: Create an environment at home that encourages open and honest communication. Let your child know they can talk to you about their experiences, concerns, and friendships without judgment.
Model Healthy Relationships: Model positive and healthy relationships in your own life. Children often learn by observing the behavior of adults, so demonstrate effective communication, empathy, and conflict resolution in your relationships.
Teach Empathy and Perspective-Taking: Help your child develop empathy by discussing different perspectives and feelings. Encourage them to consider how others might feel in certain situations and to be mindful of their impact on others.
Set Boundaries and Expectations: Establish clear expectations and boundaries for behavior in relationships. Discuss the importance of mutual respect, trust, and communication. Help your child understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Equip your child with problem-solving skills. Discuss different strategies for resolving conflicts and handling disagreements. Encourage them to be assertive and find constructive solutions, rather than resorting to aggression or avoidance.
Support Social Activities: Encourage your child to participate in social activities, clubs, or sports. These experiences provide opportunities for them to make friends, develop social skills, and build a sense of belonging.
Be a Supportive Listener: Be an attentive and supportive listener when your child wants to talk about their relationships. Avoid being overly judgmental and instead provide guidance and encouragement.
Monitor Online Interactions: Given the prevalence of online communication, guide your child on responsible and respectful online behavior. Teach them about the potential impact of words and actions in digital spaces.
For Both Teachers and Parents
Collaborate and Communicate: Maintain open lines of communication between teachers and parents. Collaborate to address any concerns related to peer relationships and work together to support the child's social and emotional development.
Provide Resources and Support: Offer resources, such as books or workshops, that focus on building positive relationships and navigating social dynamics. Provide additional support for children who may be experiencing challenges in their peer interactions.
Promote a Growth Mindset: Encourage a growth mindset by emphasizing that social skills can be developed and improved over time. Reinforce the idea that everyone is capable of learning and growing in their relationships.
By implementing these strategies, teachers and parents can contribute to the healthy emotional and social development of adolescents, helping them navigate and build positive relationships with their peers.
6. Conflicts and contradictions are normal in all kinds of relationships. The important thing is for adolescents to learn how to deal with them. When adolescents encounter conflicts in different relationships, how should they interpret the reasons for the conflicts and how can they turn these negative emotions into opportunities for growth?
Rae Yang: Resolving conflicts in interpersonal relationships is an important skill that is closely related to future life and career success. In fact, even children in kindergarten need to deal with various conflicts among playmates, and they have already begun to develop this ability. Individuals will encounter various conflicts in different scenarios in their lives, and adolescence and early adulthood are no exceptions. They will continuously improve themselves and be better at solving these problems.
Many adolescents encounter interpersonal conflicts that are considered “unwise” by parents. This is not only due to young age and lack of experience, but also due to the fact that “the spectator sees more of the game than the player”. When children are faced with these problems, parents need to avoid lecturing them, and should try to understand the situation from their child’s point of view and empathize with them. Some parents are willing to share their own experiences and insights to help children cope with current problems, which is also helpful.
As for how adolescents should go about resolving conflicts, it needs to be determined on a case-by-case basis. Children at this age tend to understand basic truths, but they are prone to be one-sided, emotionally unstable, and sensitive. As long as the conflicts are not serious, parents can try to allow children the liberty to resolve conflicts on their own while remaining understanding and empathetic. In this way, children can gradually learn and grow as they learn how to resolve conflicts with the support of their parents.
Kalian Wang: Just like my answer to question 4, adolescents should improve their minds by calmly analyzing specific events. It’s just one of the growing pains - look beyond the small situation of conflict, then analyze it from a broader perspective. It will help calm you down. It is also important for parents and teachers to show understanding of children’s emotions. Parents should be prepared for conflicts and maintaining effective parent-child communication is important. Parents and children should also understand the internal reasons for the conflict.
7. Children at this age start to become independent. They need their own space and time and are no longer relying heavily on parents. Most children do not actively communicate with parents and often isolate from their parents, or even clash with them. What kind of family atmosphere should parents create to get closer to their children? Can parents also turn conflicts with children into opportunities for mutual growth?
Rae Yang: Children tend to have a very close relationship with their parents at a young age. Therefore, parents of adolescents need to focus not on “closing the distance” with children, but on actively maintaining the connection and emotional bond with children before they grow farther apart. The communication problems mentioned earlier can slowly erode the parent-child bond established early in life. When children face challenges, need help, or make mistakes, parents’ neglect, rejection, or excessive criticism can also destroy this bond. Similar to marital relationships, once the bond of trust and caring between parents and children is broken, it is much more difficult to rebuild later.
However, parent-child conflict is different. It is normal for parents and children to have differing opinions, just as couples may have differing views. When disagreements and conflicts arise, it is more important for parents and children to treat each other as equals, not to belittle each other, respect each other’s views and needs, and communicate and negotiate openly. Parent-child negotiation itself is also a great opportunity to practice and develop children’s communication skills, as well as their ability to express and stand up for themselves.
Xiaohui Zhu: Family atmosphere is not deliberately created, instead, it comes naturally from the parents’ values and how they view their children as unique individuals. I believe that the relationship between husband and wife is the cornerstone of family atmosphere, and the way parents interact has a subtle influence on the children. If children always see their parents respecting each other, communicating as equals, and caring for each other, it will be natural for them to learn to get along with parents in such a way, too. Experts recommend tools like “parents asking specific questions about children’s feelings”, but the effectiveness of such tools depends on whether or not parents truly recognize and respect children as independent individuals. Children are not subordinates to their parents, and should not be manipulated by them.
Faking a good family atmosphere without truly believing in it will only be counterproductive, especially when dealing with adolescents.
The sense of distance between parents and children during children’s adolescence is not a problem, but a normal phenomenon in this particular stage of growth. Having a sense of distance, enjoying solitude, needing personal space, and having their own secrets are all signs of children’s growth. Therefore, parents should give children enough space, time, and respect. Instead of learning to close the distance, parents need to learn not to interfere or judge.
For example, in our family, we allow our child to lock the door of her room; if she doesn’t want to talk after school, we’ll all keep silent as a family and not disturb her; as long as she can provide a reasonable explanation, we fully support anything she wants to do, including choices about her dress and appearance. Allow children to make mistakes and waste time. Life is not about making the right choices every step of the way, and not every second of life needs to be meaningful. A life without making mistakes and always being efficient is dull and horrifying. Children are not perfect, neither are parents.
In family dynamics, children’s problems are often the result of family problems. When problems occur, instead of rushing to “fix” the child, we usually step back to examine our relationships as a whole, and check if the overall family atmosphere is impacting the child. As a result, every conflict is an opportunity to help each other grow, and how much we can grow depends on how deeply we can reflect on the conflict. As parents, we will make every effort to guide and help children review the conflict and grow together with them. This requires careful thought and emotional regulation from parents, and our children also make us better versions of ourselves.
Ni Zhou: I like a relaxed and natural family atmosphere, where “odd” behaviors and remarks from children are allowed without a fuss. In other words, I prefer a “laid-back” family atmosphere. When children and parents clash, parents should see the situation as an opportunity for mutual growth. Conflicts are inevitable, and it is unrealistic to think that it can be stifled in the cradle. Conflicts are often an expression of the truest emotions. Therefore, it is essential to seize these moments as opportunities to better understand each other.
Parents Play an Important Role in Helping Children Develop Emotional Cognition
8. Parents play an important role in developing adolescents’ emotional cognition. Parents’ feedback and responses to their children are important. When a child bravely confides in their parents about a difficult or unpleasant experience in their studies or life, parents may feel these negative emotions “unimportant” or “not worth mentioning”. For the child, however, this issue could feel like the entire world. Therefore, how should parents respond to children when they talk about their small problems and annoyances?
Sandra Thompson: When adolescents confide in their parents about small problems or annoyances, it's essential for parents to respond with empathy, validation, and support. Even though the issues may seem trivial to parents, they hold significant emotional weight for the child. Here are some suggestions on how parents can respond effectively:
Active Listening: Give your child your full attention when they are sharing their concerns. Put aside distractions, make eye contact, and show that you are actively engaged in the conversation.
Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and validate your child's emotions. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that it's okay to feel the way they do, even if the issue seems small to you.
Avoid Minimizing or Dismissing: Refrain from minimizing or dismissing their concerns by saying things like "It's not a big deal" or "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead, recognize their feelings without judgment.
Express Empathy: Express empathy by putting yourself in their shoes or enter their worldview. Use phrases like "I can imagine that must be tough for you" or "I understand why that bothers you."
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your child to share more about their feelings by asking open-ended questions. This can help them express themselves further and feel supported.
Problem-Solving Together: If appropriate, involve your child in the problem-solving process. Ask them if they have ideas on how to address the issue or if they would like your help in finding a solution. This empowers them and fosters a sense of agency.
Reassure Them: Provide reassurance that you are there for them and that they can always come to you with their concerns. Knowing they have a supportive parent builds trust and a sense of security.
Practice Self-disclosure: If relevant, share your own experiences of facing challenges or annoyances. This can help normalize their feelings and show that everyone encounters difficulties.
Affection and Comfort: Offer physical comfort, such as a hug, when appropriate. Physical touch can convey a sense of safety and reassurance.
Encourage Journaling or Artistic Expression: Suggest journaling or artistic expression as a way for your child to process their emotions. Some adolescents find it helpful to write or draw about their experiences.
Follow Up: Check in with your child later to see how they are feeling. This demonstrates ongoing support and reinforces the idea that their concerns matter to you.
Remember that what may seem insignificant to adults can be highly significant for adolescents. By responding with empathy, validation, and support, parents can create an environment where children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions, fostering a strong parent-child relationship.
Ni Zhou: Parents should put themselves in children’s shoes. Recall what you thought and felt when you were at that age more than twenty years ago, so you can empathize with your children. Listen more, judge less, keep quiet, and only offer opinions and advice when children need help and guidance.
Xiaohui Zhu: The most important thing is to respect children as individuals who need emotional support in the moment. In most cases, they just want to talk and be understood, rather than seeking advice from us. We should never compare the pain of our children with that of someone else, neither are we able to. Even the slightest negative emotion, when expressed, is significant for children. We often reflect on whether we are subconsciously dismissive of children’s “minor” annoyances, which may imply disappointment in them because they cry over trivial matters. Moreover, we must look at our own behavior and be alert to whether we are eager to criticize or try to help children solve problems.
The role of parents should be more of a container to accept children’s emotions. When children’s emotions are seen and allowed to naturally flow, they understand that they are safe with you, and in this process, they can be healed. It seems easy to be silent and just listen, but it can be quite difficult in real life. We often give children and ourselves a “buffer period”, only providing enough listening when they confide in us. If they seek help after they have calmed down, only then will we give advice or share similar experiences.
9. To many adolescents, parents seem to focus mostly on their academics, overlooking their feelings in many other aspects. Perhaps many parents are quietly supporting and caring for their children in ways that they cannot see. However, parents should express their care and love for children directly. How can we do that?
Rae Yang: Many children believe that their parents care most about their academics, which may be due to the fact that parents are most inquisitive about this aspect of children’s lives. Parents should clearly express their love for children, through verbal communication as well as hugs, smiles, notes, or emojis in text messages. People express themselves in different ways, so parents and children need to express their emotions in a way that is acceptable to both sides. This is essentially the same as expressing emotions between spouses. Love and care are valuable only when they are expressed and felt.
There are very few parents today who care only about children’s academics. However, since academic performance is more quantifiable, some parents may ask more about it, resulting in misunderstandings from children. Parents should ask children about more diverse topics, including children’s moods, friends, activities, and games. In this way, children can naturally feel how diverse and rich parents’ love can be.
Xiaohui Zhu: In our family, children’s physical and mental health is always more important than academic performance. When our daughter was still little, we talked with her about how physical and mental health is more important than good grades. This was not empty talk. Children know which aspect parents’ care about the most. In terms of academics, we focused more on promoting good study habits for her. Instead of blindly pushing for academic achievement, we read with her to develop her love for reading, and taught her time management skills through real-life practice. Therefore, our child has naturally felt that academic achievements are something she wants to pursue and something that gives her a sense of fulfillment, rather than meeting parents’ expectations.
More than asking about her studies, I spend a lot of time caring about her emotions, urging her to exercise, making sure she has enough sleep, sits properly, and protects her vision. If she needs to talk, we would rather allow her to set aside her homework and have in-depth discussions on topics she initiates and provide enough emotional support. I also gather information to help giver her resources on topics she is unfamiliar with. I will share my methods of researching this information with her as well.
When she entered middle school, the specifics of academics were largely out of our hands, and it was more helping her plan for the future. Since her dad was busy with work, he would communicate with her as he dropped her off for school, and he often sent her messages. In addition to expressing his care about her, he would also share a lot of his experiences and exchange ideas with her. He would attend all her important events regardless of how busy he was. When she reached adolescence, we started to attach great importance to discussing our views of life and values with her. Instead of focusing on studying or traditional definitions of success, we care more about what kind of person our child will become, and how resilient she will be.
Ni Zhou: I think if you really don’t care about your child, it’s difficult to pretend that you do. It’s indeed easy to encounter situations where “what parents give is not what children want” or “parents really can’t give children what they want”. The key question is, why do parents care more about children’s academic performance than about their emotional needs, social confusions, and values? Parents should first thoroughly ponder this question by themselves. Perhaps, by thinking about it, you will come up with a different answer. If parents still firmly believe that academic performance should come first, then you can communicate your thoughts with your child. Focus on why you think so, then listen to your child’s opinion.
As adolescents, children have begun to move into the adult world. It is essential for them to learn to listen to and understand ideas different than their own. Encourage your children to communicate with you as equals, and to clearly express their feelings and needs about the care you give them. It is also important to consider their perspective and understand that all forms of care stem from love. It is good to express care and love directly. However, parents don’t have to force themselves if they are reserved and introverted.
10. Almost every child has one or several hobbies that they have been pursuing for many years. As the pressure of school intensifies, many children face the challenge of balancing hobbies with studies or might even have to give them up. Some children aspire to pursue their hobbies as a future career but do not receive support from their parents. Such a conflict between ideals and reality leaves many adolescents feeling aggrieved and helpless. How should adolescents balance hobbies with studies? How should parents handle the relationship between children’s future development and their hobbies, so as to allow children opportunities to pursue their dreams?
Kalian Wang: Hobbies are worthy of respect as long as they are not detrimental to health or violate social norms. Acknowledge the reality and the increasing academic pressure, then help find a balance between the hobbies and studies while trying to achieve holistic education and maintaining your child’s physical and mental well-being. Assist your children in managing their time based on the actual situation, and remain open-minded – this is the key to success.
Rae Yang: Some people think that academic study and interests are contradictory possibly due to the allocation of time and energy. After all, human energy is limited. However, academic high achievers often have a genuine passion for what they are learning, so they always take the initiative to learn. For example, when discussing a subject with a student who has achieved outstanding results in academic competitions, we can often feel their strong passion and excitement. An individual can have more than one hobby. Some students enjoy both academic and non-academic interests and are able to develop them appropriately. They are the ones that many of the world’s top universities are looking for.
If a student does not like academic subjects at all and enjoys something else, then there is a need to achieve a balance between the two. In fact, over the years, education requirements at the national level have gradually returned to their roots, and the pressure and burden of schooling has been reduced. Educators have tried as much as possible to avoid forced and pressurized learning, and instead have followed children’s own strengths and characteristics to set personalized learning goals, thus promoting their holistic growth rather than using the grades in a few key subjects as the sole standard.
Xiaohui Zhu: We have been discussing balance long before the onset of adolescence and have been assisting our daughter in relieving pressure and burdens. After extensive experimentation and exploration in the early years, we analyzed focus and balance with her in Grades 3 and 4. My daughter grew up with a wide range of interests and tried activities such as piano, singing, painting, ballet, debating, horse riding, go, swimming, soccer and artistic gymnastics, most of which she enjoyed and was able to stick with. We discussed why she loved each hobby with her. Was it because of the activity itself or just because she was good at it? Through analysis, my daughter found out that she participated in most activities because she was good at them, except for piano and soccer, which she still enjoyed even when she didn’t do well. She started to stop doing things that she was no longer interested in at an early age. Each time she did so, I gave her my advice and fully analyzed the pros and cons with her before she finally made the decision on her own. Therefore, she did not feel frustrated, but found out how to manage her time through decisive decision-making. She gradually learned to take the initiative to focus on specific hobbies and make her own choices about balancing her time.
Ni Zhou: In our family, there is no such contradiction. We support the hobbies that our children genuinely like and can stick to. On the contrary, we are more worried that they might not find their true passion, or are not willing be devoted or stick to their hobbies.
The nature of children’s hobbies is also crucial. If the hobby can be turned into a career path, I think most parents will support it. If it is beneficial but seems unlikely to be a means of livelihood due to children’s lack of ability or talent, we should see if we can use this hobby to promote children to develop other skills that are related to the essence of “passion” and “goodness”. If the hobby is truly unproductive - and I don’t know if that’s within the scope of our discussion - then it should be cut off. Of course, the key to this issue is not to choose A or B, but to find a balance. This is not a psychological issue, but a matter of time management and allocation skills.
Guiding Children towards Themselves
11. Adolescence is an important stage for individuals to explore themselves and find their inner love. Blind denial, suppression, or autocratic decisions from parents can dampen children’s enthusiasm for learning and exploration and limit their possibilities. Proper guidance and encouragement can help children get closer to themselves. How should teachers and parents help children continuously explore their potential and become better versions of themselves?
Kalian Wang: In the environment that Keystone provides, children have many opportunities to explore and find their inner passions. In and outside of the classroom, during the semester, and during the holidays, Keystone encourages every child to be themselves. Our small class sizes are not only to ensure that children learn efficiently, but also to provide them with more opportunities to discover themselves and try different things. We help children become young people who are lively, energetic, and confident.
Keystone provides students with a wide range of opportunities and platforms. This is manifested in the large number of KAPs (Keystone Activities Program), including student-led KAPs, as well as in various activities on and off campus. Every year, the Keystone Student Life team organizes numerous opportunities for students to explore and makes every effort to support their involvement in these activities. Whenever students express that they want to do something, teachers will say, “Great! That’s a good idea. Let’s see how your plan works…” and then provide the guidance and support for students to carry out their plans.
I hope to empower Keystone students to better understand the resources that Keystone can provide, including the various platforms that we have established and the time we have planned for them. Currently, our schedule is very busy, so we need to think about how to provide students with more time for personal growth, especially for day students. Some of our students are trying to make better use of their lunch breaks to gather peers with different interests to engage in various activities.
For parents, I believe that it is only through heartfelt approval that we can truly guide and support children’s pursuit of their passions. One of the key considerations of not assigning homework during the holidays and organizing service learning trips around the world is to allow children to step out of their daily academic lives and truly observe the world, experience life, and explore themselves. A large amount of English tutoring and standardized tests can deprive children of the opportunity to expand their horizons and to find their true passion. In addition, teaching by example is better than preaching, and role models can have a great influence on children.
Rae Yang: Self-exploration and the excavation of one’s potential require self-motivation, and this can only happen when children have enough sense of security and self-esteem. Therefore, teachers and parents need to create a space where children feel safe and accepted. For example, when children encounter difficulties or failures in the attempts, parents need to empathize and encourage, rather than judge. When children question their own abilities, parents need to give them positive recognition to enhance their self-esteem and confidence.
Xiaohui Zhu: Adolescence is a difficult period for children, who are facing academic pressure as well as social pressure from their peers. Often times, the latter can be more challenging than other pressures. Children can discover their own potential in dealing with such pressure. As parents, we spend a lot of time listening to and supporting children’s various emotions, giving them more trust and freedom, and treating them as equals, which starts a positive cycle where they are more willing to communicate with us.
In social interaction with peers, children will constantly examine themselves, reconstruct boundaries and become courageous in conflicts and problem solving. For example, they will know how to say no; how to face ridicule, jealousy, and even bullying; how to get along with a diverse group of people; and how to face malicious rumors. We walk with them every step of the way, providing emotional support and thoughts from different perspectives when they need assistance. I even regularly take my child to seek the help of traditional Chinese medicine, as I have always believed that mind-body therapy is often more effective than psychotherapy alone. We can’t control what others say or do, but we can make ourselves stronger and resilient enough to face the storm.
In addition, we also encourage our child to be a positive changemaker rather than a complainer. If you want to influence the people or community around you, then make an effort to gather information and come up with concrete strategies. Even if you can only take a small step, it is still an amazing attempt. We often tell our child to “never set limits for yourself or let others define you. Seize every opportunity you can to work on yourself. Be brave and communicate with your teachers or older students to broaden your horizon.” Keystone provides rich resources and has many excellent older students who are enthusiastic to share their experiences with younger students. Wouldn’t it be a shame to miss out on these wonderful opportunities? Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to be alone. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to be different. This is a long process of growth. Isn’t it a blessing to become your true self at Keystone?
Ni Zhou: To properly encourage and guide our children, we need to see and observe them first. To see and observe them, we need to accept that children are independent individuals different from us. If parents can do better than “accepting that fact”, say, being curious about and interested in our children, then we will better understand our children.
To “see” children’s inner selves and help them “see” people around them, we can start with their peers, and then expand to people that we and our children all know. People’s perception of themselves is often based on those around them, and that’s why this step matters. It is only when you understand yourself that you know where your potential lies and how to utilize it.
Positive emotions are not our ultimate goal, but rather a means to help us reach a better end. We want adolescents to proactively develop their emotional cognitive abilities because it is a very important underpinning of self-development and a keystone for building good relationships, happiness, and resilience.
Perhaps the most easily overlooked aspect of interacting with children is that they are independent individuals with their own feelings, thoughts, and perspectives on things. We should treat them with equality and tolerance. This is crucial for developing adolescents’ emotional cognitive abilities.
There is no specific model for education, and there is no one-size-fits-all formula for dealing with adolescents. However, as the guests shared in this discussion, educators and parents should universally respect every child, address the issues they face, value their feelings, communicate with them appropriately, and give them an environment full of trust and a sense of security to grow and thrive in.
